Slowing Down: How Not to Over Schedule Your Kids

Ever feel like your child’s calendar is so crammed with scheduled activities that time for spontaneous play and other quiet time takes second seat or is squeezed out altogether?  Do you feel the pressure to make sure your child is exposed to all the “right experiences?” 

“I think parents today are caught up in a culture of wanting to do the very best for your child and thinking the very best would be to get them into as many activities as possible,” explains Dr. Timothy Doran, Chairman of Pediatrics at Greater Baltimore Medical Center, adding the pile of activities on some kids’ plates can be a source of stress.

 

We sought out suggestions from local pediatricians and a pediatric psychologist on how to limit scheduled activities and how to build in more unstructured play and other downtime. Click on each category and the tips that follow for the solutions we received. If you have your own tips to share, please email us at: info@ModernBabiesAndChildren.com.

 

How many activities are ideal? How many are too many? While the answer depends on your child, Dr. Wendell McKay, a pediatrician in private practice with privileges at Howard County General Hospital and Johns Hopkins Medical Institution, offers some general guidelines. He suggests budgeting one to three hours per week of scheduled activities for the preschool and elementary school set.

 

For older children, he says it becomes more difficult to give a definitive recommendation and suggests you can generally double the hours to two to six hours of organized activity a week. Dr. McKay emphasizes that these numbers are starting points for parents and that if children are within these parameters, then they are receiving an appropriate amount of stimulation. 

 

He reminds parents to put their children’s interests first and to recognize that a child’s talents may not always match the child’s preferences.

“The activities for children should be for the child and not be for the parent to live out some fantasy that they did or didn’t have as a child themselves,” states pediatric psychologist Dr. Maureen Black, a professor in the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. 

Dr. Black encourages a parent-child dialogue to empower children to take ownership of their experiences. Let’s say your child is interested in ballet, piano, soccer, and gymnastics. Dr. Black suggests having a discussion with your child and weighing variables such as cost, how the activity will impact the child’s individual calendar as well as the family’s schedule, and then choosing one or two activities. “You teach them you will listen to them. They do have a role,” she explains.

 

Even if your child is too young to voice an opinion, Dr. Black advises paying attention to behavioral signs, such as if the child is jumping up and down in excitement. “If a child is whining when it is time to leave for the activity, this is a sign that it’s not ideal,” she adds. When children are first able to share their feelings, Dr. Black recommends that parents help them focus by presenting limited options such as swimming or gymnastics, as opposed to, “What do you want to do?”

 

When it’s time to wake up in the morning, does it seem like your child has already endured a long, tiring day? Whether it’s a case of difficulty waking up a child or a child who is continually cranky later in the day, over scheduling may be the culprit, reports Dr. Robert Ancona, the Chief of Pediatrics at St. Joseph Medical Center.

 

Dr. Ancona says that he is seeing more and more kids who are overtired. “I think you have to be sensitive that maybe that’s a red flag the child is involved in too many things,” he shares.

 

When parents take their children from one event to the next, he says the children may appear to be disinterested but may actually simply be overtired. “The child may not want to nor have the functionality to be dragged from pillar to post for sixteen different scheduled events.” 

Need to put your child’s activity list on a diet? One way to trim down is to make sure the activities are the right fit for your child’s temperament, finds Dr. Donna Parker, a pediatrician in private practice with privileges at Anne Arundel Medical Center and Johns Hopkins Medical Institution.

 

She’s encountered parents who want to cure a child’s shyness by trying to force the child to be more outgoing. Dr. Parker cautions against applying the “sink or swim” philosophy and suggests that if your child is uncomfortable in crowds, enrolling the child in an aggressive group activity could actually cause the child to withdraw further. While a team sport may be ideal for some, she says something like swimming may be better for a shy child. She tells parents the initial goal should be to boost the child’s self esteem, which in turn can help a child feel more comfortable to try out new things down the road. 

 

No matter the type of activities, Dr. Parker adds that the most imaginative and creative play often occurs in a less structured setting. She explains it’s important to make sure children have the time to further explore the skills they may gain in structured settings in unstructured environments. For example, if a child is enrolled in an art class, the child should also have time to pursue art projects at home. “That’s where creativity can really bloom,” she says.

 “You’re a kid once. This is your opportunity to try different things,” says Dr. Paul Lomonico, a pediatrician with Upper Chesapeake Medical Center. “You may not even know you like something because you haven’t been exposed to it.” He urges parents to break free of the mindset that the only way to participate in a given activity is through a scheduled session. 

 

He encourages trying out a variety of activities without making a formal commitment, such as hitting a basketball court one day and exploring a hiking trail the next. “It allows the child to see more things than just organization all the time,” he says of this approach. 

 

Dr. Lomonico also emphasizes the need for parents to get involved: “Not that I’m taking you to play ball. I’m going to play with you.” He continues, “Parents think they’re involved with their children because they’re running them everyplace. Parents have become taxi cabs, and there’s no interaction between the child and the parents. What we want are for the parents to enjoy their children and the children to enjoy their parents.” 

There’s no price tag attached. You don’t have to try out to participate. There are no rules, except the ones your children make as they go along. We’re talking about what’s referred to as “free play.”

 

A January, 2007 article in Pediatrics, the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, acknowledges the place for scheduled activities but emphasizes the need for unstructured playtime, stating, “As they mastertheir world, play helps children develop new competencies thatlead to enhanced confidence and the resiliency they will needto face future challenges.Undirected play allows childrento learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolveconflicts, and to learn self-advocacy skills.”

 

Dr. Timothy Doran, Chairman of Pediatrics at Greater Baltimore Medical Center, says child-centered playtime is important in promoting healthy children. He encourages parents to make sure to build time for free play into their children’s days.

 

In the past, he points out, this happened automatically: “Kids just went out the door, and they played, and they didn’t have video games.” He adds that this kind of time during the school day is shrinking and that the hour and a half he had for recess typically doesn’t exist anymore.

Dr. Scott Krugman, Chairman of Franklin Square Hospital Center’s Department of Pediatrics, urges parents to carve out time for their children to recharge in the form of quiet time –whether it’s taking a nap, reading a book, or listening to music.

 

He’s not just speaking from research or from experience with his patients. It’s a plan Dr. Krugman implements at home. His two sons, ages 8 and 4, enroll in one or two organized activities at a time. In their downtime, they are also encouraged to play with neighbors and friends, where there is the freedom to be spontaneous, along with spending regular quiet time in their bedrooms.

 

To make sure downtime doesn’t get cut, Dr. Krugman suggests that it have its place on the calendar right alongside the organized events.

 

Four hours of cartoons a day. Dr. Mario R. Gonzalez, who heads up the Division of Pediatrics at Maryland General Hospital, says he has patients, under age five, who spend this much of the day in front of the tube. He recommends one hour daily in front of any kind of screen for entertainment purposes as the maximum time kids under ten should spend – whether it’s watching TV or playing a game. Dr. Gonzalez recognizes that parents lose some of the reigns when it comes to TV and video games as their kids get older, but emphasizes setting limits early and trying to mold healthy habits.

 

He and other doctors we spoke with caution against using TV as a babysitter. He asks that parents sometimes sit down and watch with their children so they can explain how what is on TV is not a true representation of life. 

“It’s important for parents to remember that children really need the relationship more than they need the activity,” emphasizes Sinai Hospital pediatrician and mom of three, Dr. Tracey Clark, about the importance of building strong parent-child relationships. She quickly points out the five minute drive from school to soccer doesn’t do the job. “You have to hang out a little together to get the substance to rise to the surface.”

Dr. Clark recommends a regular family night – whether it’s a pizza picnic on the family room floor or another fun activity. At her home, Friday night is reserved for games, stories, and a meal everyone enjoys.  

 

The night starts with a family meeting to plan the weekend and to talk about the upcoming week. Each time a family member talks, he or she holds the “talking toy,” which is a toy one of her children picks out that night. The person holding the toy has the floor and is the only one allowed to talk. Dr. Clark says the first few times her 3-year-old held the talking toy he just made silly sounds. “Now, he’s like, ‘I want pancakes for breakfast on Saturday,’ and ‘Can Daddy read me this book for bed?’ He gets it now. It’s nice – it lets you hear what everybody’s needs are.”  The meeting often ends with a weekend game plan wrap-up and time for family members to show their support for each other, such as Dad recognizing Mom for all of her work. From there, the tickle fights, piggy-back rides, and other family fun begin.

 

Dr. Clark believes the benefits continue beyond the event. “When you run from activity to activity, you can feel very jumbled and disconnected,” she says. “Everyone in the family knows they’re going to have time to be heard at some point during the week. I think it can be grounding and soothe some of the bumps in the road. It helps them feel reconnected.”